September Symphony: A Month of Contrasts and Harmonies #372

Image: Verbena Flowers (from the garden that is lost)

As 2024 draws to a close, the changes in my life and surroundings have become increasingly noticeable.

First Week of September:

I began the month with a pressing assignment. Although I was already a month into the course, my understanding of the concepts was riddled with doubts and confusion.

After countless internet searches and multiple reviews of my class notes, I started drafting my assignment. To my surprise, many of my fellow students hadn’t even begun.

Studying independently, I struggled to clarify my doubts in various topics. I’m sure there were ample resources or perhaps active discussion forums, but I was unaware of them.

I worked remotely except for two days that week to save time during the day and finish my coursework. To my frustration, I was questioning my understanding after I submitted my homework. It was a strange feeling: “Should I trust my own understanding or theirs? How can I be certain what’s right and what’s wrong?” With a sense of unease, I had to move on to my other commitments.

The Ganesh Chaturthi festival meant no classes that weekend. I spent it lethargically. I made little progress in my personal or professional life.

Second Week:

As the second week of the month began, work-life demanded more of my attention. I aimed to work from the office as much as possible. This would save time for my upcoming assignment. It includes a written test and a project presentation.

Commuting over 60 kilometers daily for work took a toll on my physical health. I utilized both carpooling and shuttle services, depending on the day. Carpooling days were more manageable. They reduced travel time. They also prevented me from staying at the office longer than necessary.

At work, I sought clarity on the short-term and long-term road-maps. I was eager to explore more projects that would enhance my skills and knowledge.

By the end of the second week, I was pulled into a recruitment drive. I had to conduct interviews all day on a Saturday, unfortunately missing both of my classes. I often felt like a newbie learning on the go, while interviewing, I realized how much time had passed since I graduated.

The last time I conducted interviews and had to reject all candidates due to poor performance, I felt upset afterward. When I shared my thoughts with an online friend, they argued that I shouldn’t be bothered, as I hadn’t lost anything in the process.

This year, I had other panelists involved in the interviews. When a candidate performed poorly, they shared their dissatisfaction after the call.

Now I understood that my feeling of unease after rejecting a candidate wasn’t entirely unfounded. Interviewing and evaluating strangers for positions is just a job for me. Offering a job to a suitable candidate could positively impact both the employer and the job-seeker. Perhaps the person is seeking a better salary, a better opportunity, or desperately needs a job to support their family. Maybe the stakes aren’t high, and the candidate is simply gaining experience from the interview. I don’t know. In life, we need to be logical but not abandon our empathy for others.

In this context, I’m pondering how I can help others. I felt a lack of guidance in my own life.

Third Week:

In the third week, work and study were vying for top priority. My health wasn’t optimal, and I was once again struggling to choose between a morning-focused lifestyle (ideal for working from the office but requiring an early bedtime) and a night-focused lifestyle (suitable for working remotely and fulfilling my other personal commitments).

An old friend, whom I had intentionally avoided for a long time, reached out. I’ve come a long way in establishing healthy personal boundaries with people. We all make mistakes in the past, and it’s best to forgive ourselves and move on.

While we strive to become better versions of ourselves, it’s not necessary to force everyone else to change with us. Everyone has their own paths and will grow (or not grow) according to their own realities. I simply don’t want to engage with people who can derail me from my path, no matter how good of friends they were in the past.

Fourth Week:

Finally, I received another assignment: a written test and a capstone project.

Fortunately, I could plan my office work to fulfill my required office days and work remotely for a few days, followed by a couple of days off.

Until now, I had rarely taken time off to prepare for small quizzes and assignments. This time, it made sense to take a break and de-stress.

By now, I realized that I couldn’t stay up late or wake up at dawn. However, studying for an hour or two before diving into office work significantly reduced my stress.

For the last 3-4 days of the month, I forced myself to focus. My phone addiction posed a greater threat to my productivity than anything else. Things were going well until a minor incident at home triggered me, and all the aggression, frustration, and anger I usually keep to myself erupted with full force.

The house was undergoing a reorganization for Puja, with my parents deep-cleaning every corner and my dad working excessively, including climbing high to store things. This, mixed with the uncertainty about the exam preparation, fueled my anxiety.

I deliberately talk less when I feel rage building up inside me. I prefer not to utter harsh words in moments of frustration and regret them later. This trick works most of the time, and I’m grateful to God for keeping me patient in those moments. However, I’ve discovered that suppressing negative feelings has a downside: some of the rage and aggression subside with time, while others return as self-sabotage, self-harm, and self-loathing.

Identifying the problem isn’t enough. Who should I seek help from? I keep pondering this question.

Additional Notes:

Self-Care: In September, I neglected my physical and mental well-being by skipping my walks and self-care. I aim to focus on this in the coming month.
Emotional Spiraling: My emotional state led to excessive doom-scrolling for 5+ hours a day and unhealthy binge-eating. I clearly have much work to do in this area.
Unpaid Work: I followed up on payment for a side gig I completed months ago. Despite sending many emails and cooperating patiently, I believe they won’t pay me. Experiences like this make me question people’s integrity. While I haven’t seen others share similar experiences with this company, it’s a possibility.
Reading: To escape the mundane, I started reading the Markandeya Purana and look forward to sharing interesting stories from it.
Viewership: Unfortunately, there are only crickets on this site. However, I continue to return because sharing a few words with the world from time to time is still rewarding.

Overall: I’m surprised that I found the time to blog about September. I started drafting throughout the month. I did not wait until the end. That is why I am giving myself a pat on the back!

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