May 2025: Half-Cleaned Rooms & Half-Healed Hearts #415

Week 1:

I kicked off the month with exams hanging over my head. There was still one last presentation and an assignment submission to go… Since our final evaluation didn’t include a written exam, we didn’t have to visit the college campus this time. Still, exam week carried its usual tension.

In the first phase of our project presentation, we played the part of seasoned politicians—making bold promises and pitching big ideas. For context: each group was assigned a topic to survey the existing literature, identify limitations, propose improvements, and then implement those ideas in code to show actual results. In phase one, we were only required to pitch our concepts, which we somehow managed.

The final phase, though, was heavier—we had to implement both a baseline (some existing work) and our proposed enhancements.

Thankfully, my teammate finally started showing some interest. He got to work on the baseline while I focused on the theoretical foundation, experiments, and documentation. I was pretty anxious about the deadline. We seemed to be falling behind, and our project didn’t really come together until the eleventh hour. My working style is quite different from my teammate’s, but fortunately, that didn’t become an issue.

He was sincere this time and even more polite than usual. The final presentation went smoothly for most of us. After that, we had just two days to submit everything. We were drained—those back-to-back exams and late-night sessions had taken their toll—but we powered through.

Amid all this, I even managed to squeeze in some office work. But I knew that once I submitted that last assignment, I’d need to shift my full focus back to work… and finally tackle the personal to-dos I’d been postponing for far too long.

Week 2:

Exams were over. Assignments—done. And honestly? I was exhausted—in every way possible. Still, I had to push through a full work week without taking a single day off.

Work hasn’t been easy lately. It feels like I’ve been handed a puzzle that may or may not have a solution… and no one’s sure which.

My brain, thoroughly fried, gave in to the only form of escape I could manage: binge-watching. I powered through two full shows in just one week. The first was Ang Mutya ng Section E, the second, F4: Thailand.

AMNSE had been on my watchlist for a while, but I kept resisting the temptation during exams—because I knew I wouldn’t stop at “just one episode.” This was my first Filipino show. Though I relied on subtitles, the emotions still hit—raw and unfiltered. Language was no barrier when it came to feeling something that real.

F4: Thailand, on the other hand, was a retelling of Boys Over Flowers. I’ve seen plenty of US-based teen dramas, so watching two Asian teen series back-to-back was unexpectedly refreshing. Sure, the core storylines could fit into any cultural context, but somehow… it all just hits different when the backdrop changes.

Amid the escapism, real-world tension cast a heavy shadow over the week. Anxiety loomed large with the escalating armed conflict between India and Pakistan. My family was glued to the TV, and even I—someone who usually stays away from breaking news—couldn’t stop thinking about the lives, families, and futures being torn apart by the unrest.

On top of that, we had a health scare at home. My parents took Mum to the doctor, and the tests revealed several food allergies—things that are staples in our daily meals. Some respiratory issues also came up, which made it even more worrying.

By the weekend, I’d already finished both series and decided to actually rest for once. I thought I’d reconnect with a few old acquaintances over a call, but when I messaged them, their distant, half-hearted replies discouraged me to from having a heart-to-heart conversation.

Week 3:

I wouldn’t call my work stressful most of the time—but this week, one particular hurdle has been weighing on me, making everything feel a little heavier than usual.

There’s this one urgent task that I’m expected to finish—but honestly, it doesn’t seem like something I should be doing… or even can. I tried to dig deeper, understand the requirements, figure it out on my own—but I kept hitting walls. No guidance, no support, just silence. Every morning, I wake up with that same knot in my stomach… dragging myself into a space where I feel out of place, anxious, and entirely alone. It feels like the people who were supposed to guide and protect me at work have quietly stepped back—leaving me out in the cold.

On the personal front, I’ve slipped back into a depressive phase. I had so many plans for this semester break. So many things I wanted to do—for myself, for others. But now that the break is actually here, I can’t even bring myself to do the bare minimum. All the things I’d looked forward to—baking, writing, learning, helping juniors—have come to a quiet standstill. I watch the days pass by, each one blurring into the next… and I can’t move.

My physical health isn’t helping either. It’s becoming yet another thing to worry about.

This week, I didn’t even reach for a new show. Instead, I spiraled into hours of YouTube doom-scrolling—mindless, numbing. I think I was searching for some kind of break… a shift in rhythm, a new setting, anything. I keep getting this strange feeling that my soul has wandered too far from home—now just floating around, tired and lost, hoping to find its way back.

I don’t know what “home” really means to a soul. But I know mine is longing for it. A place to land. A little peace. A little quiet.

Week 4:

The final week of May began on a Sunday, and I knew I had to keep a promise I’d made to myself a long time ago—deep cleaning the house. Sure, my parents hired help for regular mopping, but the ceilings and furniture were still coated in dust and cobwebs. The house help isn’t exactly flexible with extra chores… and neither of my parents were willing to pay them extra or had the energy to handle it themselves. My sister? She remains blissfully unbothered by such “insignificant” domestic matters. So, naturally, it fell on me to step up.

Sunday is the only day I can even consider doing something like this. But the past few Sundays had been lost to physical fatigue and mental fog. Finally, I pushed myself to act. Physical labour drains me quickly, but somehow, I powered through. Since both Mum and my sister are allergic to dust, I had to keep them out of the way anyway.

It was exhausting—I only managed to clean half the house—but still, it brought me a strange sense of relief. That quiet satisfaction of finally doing something for yourself. I rewarded myself by watching a few episodes of When Life Gives You Tangerines.

Then came the work week, dragging in the same stress and anxiety over that one, simple-but-not-so-simple task. I had to go into the office a few days, which, oddly enough, felt like a break. At least it gave me something else to look at besides my laptop screen and the same old bedroom window.

Mum made me a new summer dress to wear indoors. She’d wanted to make it last year, but the sewing machine had been out of commission. It’s little things like this that remind me—she’s always quietly looking out for me.

I might’ve gone a little overboard with grocery shopping this week. I guess stress does that—it creeps in quietly, and before you know it, you’re standing in an aisle debating between two brands of instant noodles like it’s a life decision.

Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t stay productive with my self-paced studies or creative projects. I kept hoping for some company… someone to talk to. But that didn’t really happen either.

It just feels strange to reach out to someone and start unloading your feelings when they never really check in on you. The few people who’ve confided in me before—honestly, they come off a bit immature. And I don’t think they’d have the patience or depth to hold space for my heartaches, let alone offer meaningful advice. So I held it all in, no matter how heavy it got… and just kept going.

On the last weekend of May 2025, I watched another show—Hometown: Cha Cha Cha. It was lighter, sweet, and a good distraction. But wow… K-dramas really know how to make you feel extra single sometimes.

#1: Echorer Kofta has become the standard way of having raw jackfruit. Mum has mastered this recipe for sure.
#2: Mushroom Galouti Kebab: Mum made mushroom galouti kebab for the 1st time, without ever seeing/tasting it in her life. The recipe is improvised according to our taste and dietary restrictions and we kept having this dish several times during the month.
#3: Doi toast: Milk breads toasted with a sweet and sour yogurt mix on top. I whip this up, whenever I am done with having rotis or museli for breakfast.
#4: Phuchka/Pani Puri: We got this ready to fry pani puri pellets and enjoyed them with chana dal made by mum. Will you give me credits for assembling?
#5: Sis got me ice-cream cone.
#6 These beautiful yellow flowers are in bloom everywhere now… Flowers make me happy.

Well, that’s all for today! See you soon 🙂